JFK Jokes
The Coast Guard used all of their resources and the latest technology to find and recover JFK Jr's body, and then they just buried him at sea the next day...
This must be part of the new Coast Guard "catch & release" policy.
What's the first thing Ted Kennedy said when he heard about the crash?
shrug "Wasn't me!" chug chug
What were JFK Jr's last thoughts as his ashes were being scattered in the ocean?
"Oh no! Not again!"
The sharks off Martha's Vineyard are getting sick…
They say that the food's too rich for their taste.
What's the difference between Chappaquiddick and Junior's crash?
It only took Ted 4 hours to call the cops this time. . .he's learning!
Where was JFK jr. during flight school?
Studying for the bar exam.
So much for American Royalty:
Prince of Tides
Prince Chumming
So, I guess it's true about JFK Jr's political future.
It's dead in the water.
Pierre Salinger has found evidence on the internet that John John was shot down by a Stinger missile.
The Franklin Mint is issuing a JFK Jr. Commemorative Coin Set...
All halves and quarters.
The Coast Guard contacted Ted Kennedy with the news that JFK's body had been located.
"We have good news, better news and great news," they said, "The good news is that we have recovered the body."
"What's the better news?" inquired Ted.
"Well, when we pulled him up, he had several nice-sized lobsters and a dozen blue crabs on him."
Horrified, Ted asks "What's the great news?"
"We're pulling him up again tomorrow!"
Following are the three main causes of death in the US Today:
1. Cancer
2. Heart disease
3. Being a member of the Kennedy family.
What does JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common?
They're both kinda cute, but neither one can fly!
Er-ah, the Kennedy's are starting a new travel agency called "Tours Ah Us"...
Teddy drives you to the airport,
John John flies the plane,
JFK pilots the boat,
RFK cooks the meals in the kitchen,
and Michael babysits your kids and teaches ski lessons.
Carolyn to John John at the pearly gates…
"I told you to ask for directions!!"
What kind of grades did JFK Jr. get in Flight School?
Below Sea Level
"This just in, no new information on the crash...
now we go to someone else who will tell you the same thing again"
Have you heard that Mattel is bringing out a JFK Jr. doll...
Some Assembly Required.
What did John Jr tell his housekeeper before he left?
You feed the dog. I'll feed the fish.
Those Kennedy's think they are major superstars…
One thought he was Sonny Bonno, the other thought he was John Denver…
Now, if only Ted would think he was John Belushi
Saint Peter upon meeting JFK Jr…
Betcha didn't know the Boss was a Republican.
Latest scandalous headline in the National Inquirer…
JFK Jr goes down on Gay Head. Photos inside. .
The Kennedy's aught to stay in politics 'cause their business keep failing…
First it was Teddy Kennedy's Driving School.
Then it was Michael Kennedy's Skiing School.
Now it's John John's Flying School.
What's the lesson for all politicians?
Take flying lessons, then fly at night over water.
What did they do at George Magazine when they heard JFK Jr had died?
Sworn in Lyndon Baines Johnson, Jr as new editor-in-chief.
What do the veteran pilots say about JFK Jr?
He would have nailed the landing on the 3rd try.
Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Swartzenegger?
To breed a bullet-proof, tree-proof, drown-proof Kennedy.
What is Ted Kennedy getting from Congress for his birthday this year?
Flying lessons.
What did the autopsy reveal?
At least JFK Jr didn't break his foot again.
What did JFK Jr tell his wife and sister-in-law before the flight?
Bring a bathing suit.
How did Ted Kennedy teach his children to swim?
First you get out of the car and float to the surface!
Why won't they cremate uncle Teddy when he dies?
It will take 2 weeks to put the flames out.
Did you hear that JFK Jr. is laying in state?
Yeah - State of Massachusetts, State of Rhode Island, State of Connecticut...
Where do you find John Kennedy Jr. in the phone book?
Look under water!
What's the difference between Elvis and JFK Jr.?
Elvis was bloated BEFORE he died.
What's another difference?
They're still looking for Elvis.
A frustrated St. Peter to the Grimm Reaper...
For the last time! I said TED KENNEDY! Not Joe, not John, not Robert, not Michael, not Jackie, and not John Jr! I said TED!
Next time pahk the Plane in the yahd.
The Coast Guard found the following sticker on JFK Jr.'s plane:
"This aircraft was built and inspected by John Denver"
Songs rewritten for JFK Jr
Elton John: Scotch In The Wind
Peter, Paul and Mary: Crashing In A Prop Plane
ELO: Don't Bring Me Down (where sharks are)
Celine Dion: My Plane Won't Go On
Garth Brooks: Plane's Going Down Before the Sun Comes
Up
R. Kelly: I Believed I Could Fly (But Boy, Was I
Wrong!)
What did Michael Kennedy say when he saw his cousin arrive in the afterlife?
The Curse strikes again, but this time, it's a tree-o.
JFK Jr. is greeted in the afterlife…
"Where are my royalties from your magazine?" asks George Washington.
Who originally owned JFK Jr.'s plane?
ValuJet
JFK Jr. once worked for the district attorney's office.
Though he never became D.A. himself, he has become DOA.
Reportedly, they knew something was wrong when the plane kept tilting
back and to the left...back and to the left...back and to the left...
The NTSB has found the plane's "black box"...
and JFK Jr.'s black book..
Woops there goes another Kennedy
Woops there goes another Kennedy
Woops there goes another Kennedy now.
Ted Kennedy is reported to have washed up on shore...
He stated that he did his best to rescue his nephew.
They say John F. Kennedy Jr's left wing fell off...
Sounds like a right wing conspiracy.
What did John say when he reached the pearly gates?
I hope I don't have to take an entrance exam.
What do the Kennedies fear the most?
Old age.
What was JFK Jr's favorite movie?
Splash.
Why didn't the wedding guests at Hyannisport want JFK Jr to show up?
He was a complete wreck.
JFK Jr. couldn't handle the publicity.
He just went to pieces.
What do Republicans say about JFK Jr's political chances for President?
All washed up.
Where do the Kennedys' go for thier vacation?
All over Martha's Vineyard.
What was the forecast for Cape Cod?
Cloudy, with widely scattered bodies and debris.
What was JFK Jr drinking at the time of the crash?
Ocean Spray.
Looks like JFK Jr paid the Piper.
How did JFK Jr learn how to fly?
Crash course.
JFK Jr was just a plane down-to-earth guy.
What was the worse thing about the crash?
He didn't have Teddy Kennedy with him. .
If Teddy Kennedy had been flying with JFK Jr, he would have swam for help...
JFK Jr would still have drowned, but we wouldn't know for another 8 hours.
What was the temperature off of Martha's Vineyard after JFK's plane went down?
Three below.
Last year JFK Jr bought the Piper airplane...
This year he bought the farm.
Newsflash!!! It wasn't a conspiracy afterall...
The wedding singer canceled so they were picking up John Denver.
What does JFK Jr. miss most about Martha's Vineyard?
The runway.
After finding JFK Jr's body in the ocean, they brought it up, cremated him, and then buried him at sea…
Must be Al Gore's Environmental Policy: fish prefer flakes to
chunks!
There really are a lot more JFK Jr. jokes...
They just haven't surfaced yet!
What was the in-flight movie on John John's Plane?
"My Left Foot"
How is the Coast Guard like a 14 year old boy?
They both get excited about finding a wet, crumpled playboy.
Times are changing...
It used to be that the Kennedy's drowned their women one at a time.
Even with all the news coverage...
Kennedy wishes he still had more AIR time.
Why didn't Superman stop Kennedy's plane from falling out of the sky?
'Cause he's a quadriplegic!
Why should the Kennedy's only date blow-up dolls?
Because they can float.
I kinda figured on the burial at sea...
I thought they would let Teddy drive the Hearse.
I don't know why the Navy went to all the effort to bury JFK Jr at sea?
After all, Uncle Ted was perfectly capable of doing it himself.
Why is this NOT the time for JFK,JR to run for office?
He's too wet behind the ears.
What does JFK Jr. & Rock Hudson have in common?
They both died off of Gay Head!
Women always found John John to be incredibly attractive…
In death, he's still a nice piece of ash.
What movies did the Kennedys rent before the flight?
"Scream" and "Hope Floats."
The Kennedys must be the only family with their undertaker on speed
dial.
Hmmm…
A Mr L.H. Oswald, Jr has recently been employed as Air Traffic
Controller at the Martha's Vineyard Airport.
Did anybody see the missle launched from behind the grassy knoll?
What was JFK Jr's favorite Ben & Jerry's flavor?
Phish Phood
His last words:
"NO! Not THAT button!"
Sung to the tune of My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean:
My Johnny lies under the ocean,
My Johnny lies under the sea,
I don't understand the commotion,
It's only one more Ken-ne-dy!
What does JFK Jr. and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
Both go down easily.
What's the new Kennedy documentary?
Three Funerals and A Wedding.
JFK JR's mom when meeting him in heaven:
"Dammit, Boy! Which part of straighten up and fly right didn't you understand!?!
Even though the wedding has been called off...
It still looks like they will make good use of the priest.
Why was John-John flying that night?
Ted offered him a lift.
Considering it was a Kennedy that went down,
I hear the Coast guard will be looking for champaigne bottles instead of oil streaks.
Too bad uncle Ted wasn't on board...
They could have used him as a floatation device.
Headline from the New York Post:
HUNK DUNKS!
JFK Jrs Last words:
I wish I hadn't bought this damn plane from John Denver!!!
Why didnt JFK shower before the plane flight?
He figured he'd just wash up on shore.
Damn it, can't one Kennedy die of natural causes?!
Why is Al Gore pissed at JFK jr?
He didn't like him polluting the water. .
Top Ten Last Words And Phrases The MEDIA Won't Use - Even If They Are TOTALLY Correct!
10.) Decapitation
9.) Died peacefully in his sleep
8.) Sex and flying don't mix when you are the pilot
7.) I dropped my cigarette - it didn't roll over toward the gas cap, did it?
6.) Geez. We almost hit that duck!
5.) Zzzzzz... Huh, I'm the one flying this thing tonight?
4.) Ya' know, we really should visit the family cemetery this year
3.) If you had wings, dear, you'd be an angel
2.) Do you remember the last time we met Princess Di?
1.) It's Martha's Vineyard - get used to it...
Top Ten WORST Things About Being In A Plane Crash Off Long Island
To the tune of "American Pie"
(The Day John Jr. Died)
By Tony S.
Not a long time ago
I can still remember how
that magazine used to make me smile
Recently there was a time,
when on fresh lobsters he would dine,
and now the lobsters will be happy for a while.
Cause the cold cold water made him shiver.
As to the bottom he was delivered.
What an ironic state he is in.
Now the lobsters dine on him!
I can't remember if I cried.
When I watched about how if he died.
But something touched me deep inside.
The day.......John Junior died.
So... Bye, Bye Your plane fell from the sky.
How you fluttered on the rudder,
with your hurt foot you tried.
And old Uncle Ted is drinking whiskey and rye.
Singing this will be the day that you died.
John Junior had only gotten his flying license last year...
He graduated at the top of his class at the John Denver Flying Institute.
Kyle & Stan of South Park:
"OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNEDY! YOU BASTARD!"
Guess they're gunna have to rename Martha's Vinyard...
to Kennedy's Graveyard
What does John Denver and JFK Jr have in common?
They both sink in water.
or..
They both know how to make a splash in the news.
Sung to the music of "The hokey pokey"
You put your right wing in.
You put your right wing out.
You put your right wing in,
and you shake it all about.
Your about to get turned into Sauerkraut
That's what it's all about.
You put your nose up.
You put your nose down.
You put your nose up,
And you shake it all around.
Your heading for the water, And you start to take a dive.
Thats what it's all about.
You put the water in.
You put the water out.
You put the water in,
And you swoosh it all around.
You see Mort and Dahmer With a brand new pair of forks.
Thats what it's all about.
Piperman (to the tune of Rocketman by Elton John who moved us so with his rewritten candle in the wind to the English Rose)
I packed my bag for a night flight
1900, 7 pm
And I'm going to fly high, as the fog rolls in
Sister in-law's scared, and so's my wife
But danger is real cool
On an ocean night flight
And I think is not going to be too long before
The Kennedy curse claims one more
But I'm the guy that loves to take the risks
Oh no-no-no, I'm a piperman
Piperman flying out at night forevermore
Flying at night aint no big deal
Especially since my foot just healed
But no one wants to fly with me anyways.
I don't understand why no one wants to fly
Afterall I've flown 47 hours
I'm a piperman, A piperman!
And I think is not going to be too long before
The Kennedy curse claims one more
But I'm the guy that loves to take the risks
Oh no-no-no, I'm a piperman
Piperman flying out at night forevermore
There once flew a man to Nantucket
When the family curse of bad luck hit
In the hazy night sky
He forgot how to fly
Now his remains will fit in a bucket
Not so funny, but what the hell...
With brothers, Bobby and Jack, dead from guns it is easy to understand why Ted would support any stupid gun legislation to preserve what is left of the Kennedy political dynasty. But the Kennedys need to be protected from themselves and new legislation needs be enacted.
"Be it resolved that no member of the Kennedy family, by marriage, concubinage or long time association shall be allowed to pass over water by any conveyance car, plane, skiis or any other."
Lives that could have been saved with this legislation:
We need only try to preserve their lives, the Kennedys can protect themselves from the laws of this country, Ted didn't even loose his driver's lisense in a crime that would have sent anyone else to prison for a decade.
